How the Mormon church is like an emotionally manipulative and overbearing parent

I have, hands down, the sweetest, most giving and patient mother-in-law. But I wonder if she would still be as selfless as she is if eternal damnation and separation from her family wasn’t held over her head.

In the church you’re taught to never say no to anything asked of you otherwise you’re a selfish bastard who hates Jesus and babies.* Maybe they’re trying to drain you of your will to live so you’re easier to take advantage of.

There’s a system that, in theory, is supposed to make sure everyone is cared for and no one falls through the cracks. In reality it’s a fucking waste of time-or more busy work to keep the masses distracted from real problems with the church-where you’re forced to interact with assholes. For women this is called visiting teaching.

There is a woman my mother-in-law, I’ll call her M, visits who has learned that M cannot say no. In the last week M has lent her money three different times and taken her food that would last a week. M has told me that she is always assigned someone like this woman. In a world where people respect boundaries this would never happen. The woman would be getting help directly from the church (when they’re not spending money on extravagant buildings and for profit businesses and living “stipends” for their non-paid clergy) or, hell, even from the community.

Mormonism has created millions of gullible doormats. Should you ever have a MLM or ponzi scheme you’re looking to promote just look up the mormons in your community. And then send me the finder’s fee.

*slight exaggeration


I’ve started a couple posts but I’ve found that my emotions get the better of me halfway through or I’m trying to explain something that’s second nature to mormons and end up on a huge tangent. It’s exhausting.

So, in the interest of readership (I’m an attention whore just like everyone else), I want to share one of the weirdest, creepiest parts of mormonism: trying to get out.

LDS isn’t like others churches. You can’t just stop going. You can’t become lax in your involvement without a dozen people trying to have you come back. They track and follow you from the time you’re a baby or from the time you convert. And if they lose track of you because of multiple moves or you just don’t want them to? They just call your family to find out where you are. There’s a whole department dedicated to this.

If you want to be involved with the LDS church this is great. If not, it’s goddamn creepy and annoying. In order to stop ALL contact you have to write a letter to their headquarters, they forward your letter to whoever is local, the local clergy make a last ditch effort to get you to stay and THEN you’re just moved to a different list that says you used to be a member. It’s like trying to leave a fucking gang only the beatdown is emotional instead of physical.

So begins one’s life as a nonmember and social pariah in your former LDS community. Congratulations.

You mean that’s not normal??

It’s amazing the sort of crap mormons think is socially acceptable. I’ll start with the most recent WTF moments that have happened to me.

A woman that I’ve never talked to and have only seen at church (which I stopped attending two years ago) called me to ask me if  I would come to a dinner party at her house. And, oh, could I bring something made of potatoes for 12 people. Hells yes! That sounds awesome! Oh. Wait. No, no it does not.

I occasionally play Bunco with my mormon mommy friends. Someone on the email list thought it’d be good marketing to hit ‘Reply All’ and send out an invite to a Scentsy party. I have no idea who the fuck she is. I don’t recognize her name, I’ve never met her, I’ve never even heard her talked about. If someone can write an epically nasty email back in response I will PayPal you $5.

My mother wanted to know what underwear I had on. MY MOTHER. In fact, Mormons in general have this obsession with underwear and who’s wearing what. It’s absolutely disturbing in the world of normal context. And yet, Mormons just don’t see it like that. They see it as a litmus test for righteousness.

Mormonism is a total mind-fuck. That’s why those who’ve left have a hard time “leaving it alone”; it literally takes years to unlearn this shit.

the plan of “happiness” or how mormons explain the meaning of life

Mormon Flow Chart for Your Soul.

a little sumpin sumpin to tide you over while i work on a few posts. i thought it was hilarious until the very end. then i realized i used to believe this and millions of people still do. “no, no, i WANT to be considered second class. they tell me it’s AWESOME!” it makes me want to punch someone in their fucking old man face.

The problem of death

Not many people WANT to die. Death is scary, unknown. No one knows what happens once you’ve crossed that threshold (not even publicity hungry parents). But nearly everyone speculates about what will happen.

Joseph Smith had an older brother named Alvin with whom he was very close. Alvin died before the Book of Mormon was published and Joseph organized.the LDS church. Joseph’s wife, Emma, also had many miscarriages, stillbirths, and children die in infancy. Heartbreaking, right? So what does Smith do? Creates a belief to mitigate grief.

The Mormon doctrine of life after death gives a free pass to children straight into the presence of God. Additionally, if the parents (read: mothers) are righteous they’ll get to raise those children as they would have on earth missing,basically, nothing. Heaven being heaven and parents wanting the best for their children, most parents who’ve lost a child find comfort in this.

Doesn’t sound so bad, right? Not until you hear how asshole Mormons have fucked it up.

Scenario 1: Grandma has lived a long happy life and died. But it was her time to go. Sadness level 3.

Scenario 2: father of 4 dies unexpectedly of a heart attack leaving teenagers. Kids will still have memories of him, right? And wife got 20 years with him. Sad, not as sad as it could be. Level 5.

Scenario 3: child dies. Sadness level 10-infinity.

You know what stays the same throughout all these scenarios? The feel-good bullshit. “you’ll see them again. They’re free from pain. Don’t be sad.”

Yeah: “DON’T BE SAD” don’t mourn, don’t miss them, don’t grieve. Even if you learned about psychology from cartoons you know how unhealthy that is.

These things are said to give comfort and peace to people you love who are hurting but they have detrimental consequences.

Expecting an afterlife devalues life NOW. It’s ok to accept that church assignment that’s like a second job and never see your kids or wife because you’ll have eternity, right? It’s ok not to visit your dying grandfather because you guys can hang out when you’re both dead. Why are you still depressed about your stillborn baby? They made it straight to the celestial kingdom! Be happy!

Mormons can take their doctrines of salvation and eternal life and shove it.

why mormons suck donkey balls

i will expound on the theme of mormonism, mormons, their origin, history, teachings and, most of all, why millions of people around the world suck donkey balls. fear not, loyal reader, i will also give credit to the not shitty things that they do.

that concludes the what. i reserve the right to amend this description and the purview of this blog at any time because, well, it’s my fucking blog.


but why? why would i “persecute” such a lovely people as those that call themselves “saints”? (hint: re-read that last question. who the fuck calls themselves “saints”? answer: asshats.) as a disclaimer i was born into a mormon family. i attended mormon church for two and a half decades. i was fully and completely immersed and indoctrinated in its teachings. i was baptized while wearing the super glamorous white jumpsuit. i earned my Faith in God award. i participated in Young Women’s and got the fancy pants medallions. i was thisclose to going on a mission, not because i wasn’t married, oh no, because i WANTED to. i went to the temple, got my endowment and was sealed to my opposite sex spouse.

and everything blew the fuck up into my face.

spoiler alert: when one claims to be 100% right it leaves room for 0% error.